Let the Holiday Battles Begin
Thanksgiving gets no respect. It’s the Rodney Dangerfield of holidays, and I’m not going to take it anymore.
Every year I stand by and watch as Americans abruptly switch their attention from stale, leftover Halloween candy to twinkling lights and eggnog. I’ve even caught the holidays themselves contributing to the injustice.
Just the other day I saw Halloween standing on one side of Thanksgiving, while Christmas and Hanukkah were standing on the other, all yelling, “SUCK IT,” right to Thanksgiving’s face. Then they proceeded to brag about their fancy costumes, special music and festive galas. All Thanksgiving gets is a Turkey symbol and a bad reputation for carbs and calories.
Although the original reason for Thanksgiving is to set aside a day of thanks for bountiful harvests, celebrants have rapidly learned to show gratitude for a number of additional things, including: winning sports seasons; regular bowel movements; microbreweries; and spectacular sales at the mall.
Over the years, poor Thanksgiving has evolved into a please-just-let-me-get-through-this kind of day, with millions of citizens praying for the ability to tolerate long-lost cousins and grumpy grandparents for an entire afternoon. This is why football was invented … to serve as a distraction from awkward family conversations and potentially explosive confrontations.
In fact, it has been proven that shortly after the very first Thanksgiving, the pilgrims immediately started getting sick of each other. They started arguing about whose pumpkin pie was best and who told the funniest jokes. This caused the teen pilgrims to roll their eyes and say, “Forget this, let’s get out of here and have some fun.” So they started playing a crude version of tag with a dried up gourd. This eventually turned into what we now know as football, and the rest is history. Everyone knows this to be true.
Then years later those giant parade balloons shoved themselves into the spotlight. “If football gets all the attention during the day, then we want a piece of the morning action,” said Bullwinkle. So huge parades were organized, and soon the Rockettes were kicking up their heels in Santa outfits, and celebrities were lip-synching cheesy Christmas songs and riding on top of bulky floats.
Thanksgiving never even had a chance. And to add insult to injury, there isn’t even a decent selection of catchy tunes to commemorate the day. I’m quite sure that no pop icon has ever said, “Hey, Mr. Music Executive, I want to put together a star-studded Thanksgiving CD!” What would be on the playlist? I’m Dreaming of Some White Gravy, Let There Be Peace at Dinner, or All I Want for Thanksgiving Is a Two-Point Spread?
It’s hopeless. So this year I’m going to knit my very own Thanksgiving sweater and decorate my entire yard with winter squash. I’m going to give thanks for every single blessing in my life, and I will smile and embrace every last relative, no matter how crazy they are. Now, where’s the eggnog?